Not rearing pigs.

[CookieMonster]

NIGEL JOHNSON-HILL, PARKFARM, MILLAND, LIPHOOK GU30 7JT

Rt Hon David Miliband MP
Secretary of State.
Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA),
Nobel House
17 Smith Square
London
SW1P 3JR

16 July 2009

Dear Secretary of State,

My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque
for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs..
I would now like to join the "not rearing pigs" business.

In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and
which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach
this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by
the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.

I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want
not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages
in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots,
or are there too many people already not rearing these?

As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate
record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or
Local Authority courses on this?

My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs
for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in
1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing
any..

If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing
100? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to
about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the
first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more
ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my
second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your
department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable
carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane
gases?

Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000
tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing
crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs
I don't rear?

I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any
information you have on that too. Please could you also include the
current DEFRA advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce
basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?

In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and
will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits. I shall of course be
voting for your party at the next general election.


Yours faithfully,


Nigel Johnson-Hill

[uriah]

Second time in twenty-four hours that a post on politics.ie made me laugh 'til I cried.
Thanks for that. I needed it.

[CookieMonster]

I'm told it's genuine too.

[MsAnneThrope]

I'm told it's genuine too.

It is. I saw it several years ago and had totally forgotten about it. Still as funny reading it again

[zippo222]

I'm told it's genuine too.

Well the name, address and post code are real anyway. I'd love to read the reply if there was one. Great stuff altogether.

[toxic avenger]

I'd laugh, only I know how evil CAP really is, and the damage it does to the poorest of the poor elsewhere. Great letter.

[Almanac]

Brilliant.

Should I send a not rearing pigs business proposal to Your Country Your Call?

[PAD1OH]

Great occupation for a Muslim

or a jew.

or many Orthodox Catholics

or a Seventh-day Adventist

or a vegetarian.

or anyone that doesn't like bacon/pork regardless of race/creed