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Ireland's funniest journo?
Author demanding favourable reviews for latest volume
Newton's Optic: 'Pigs and Parlours' may fly, but Gerry Adams knows the book stops here, writes Newton Emerson
Gerry Adams will publish the third volume of his political memoirs at the end of January, according to industry sources, but only if favourable reviews can be guaranteed in advance. The book, provisionally entitled Pigs and Parlours, will explore the Sinn Féin leader's personal struggle to recognise the criminal justice system after youths set fire to his wheelie bin.
Publishers are confident that it will sell out, but the author is thought to have serious reservations about the final chapter.
"Like most creative people, Gerry Adams is surprisingly sensitive," said Irish Times literary editor Ulysses Grant. "He finds it difficult to finish anything unless he's absolutely sure that everyone will love it."
Adams has received mixed reviews in the past. His 1994 work Sin and Cessation was widely regarded as a confident debut, but 2005's long-awaited sequel Arms and Aardvarks was described as "dreadfully slow", "poorly plotted" and "lacking a sense of completeness". Adams was subsequently blamed for the disastrous collapse of Puffin-Trimble-Albatross, which had underwritten the entire print run without updating its insurance.
To prevent a repeat of this unfortunate incident, Adams is demanding positive reviews from everyone prior to publication.
Critics known to admire the Sinn Féin leader's style will be given a rough synopsis of his latest work, while critics believed to be hostile will be told nothing at all.
If the reviews are favourable, Sinn Féin will call an ardfheis of its ardchomhairle and release an 'ardback. Paper backing will follow in An Phoblacht.
"If the book doesn't appear, then the critics alone will be responsible and the readers of Ireland should hold them to account," said a Sinn Féin spokesman.
Sinn Féin's own accounts were held in a wheelie bin until the disastrous fire, which may or may not be movingly described in Pigs and Parlours.
Several advance reviews have already appeared in the specialist press.
The Whitehall and Cheltenham Intercept says: "Adams will deliver a polished manuscript which should satisfy anyone in need of a manuscript or a polishing."
The Drumcondra Occasional Reader says: "If Adams's previous work is any guide, then his next effort must be an improvement."
The Hillsborough Hain & High says: "A book you can't pick up is a book you can't put down."
However, the Ballymena Observer says: "We'll review it when we've something to review."
Last night, Sinn Féin described the Ballymena Observer as "an enemy of the publishing process".
There is some speculation in the industry that Adams is simply stirring up a fuss to generate publicity.
"Sales will undoubtedly benefit from weeks of headlines like 'Will he publish?', 'What's in the book?' and 'Evil critics hinder Ireland's greatest genius'," said Ulysses Grant.
"But Adams should consider the long-term impact on his artistic credibility. What sort of author lets the critics decide if his latest work gets published? What successful author even cares about his critics at the end of the day? If an author feels that he has something important to say, shouldn't he have the confidence in himself and his audience to just go ahead and say it?"
Sinn Féin reacted angrily to Grant's remarks.
"That's a bigoted anti-republican analysis," said a party spokesman.
"Any talk like that a month from now and we'll call the police."
© 2007 The Irish Times
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IRA in rebranding mode but package remains same
Newton's Optic: Newton Emerson obtains an IRA Army Council information leaflet discussing what it might do in the future.
As the IRA debates the prospect of the possibility of discussions on movement towards entering a new mode, the Army Council information leaflet "Possible prospects for discussion on movement towards a context of other modes" contains a number of suggestions:
Irish Refuse Authority: Either a body responsible for tipping illegal waste over the Border, or an anarchist organisation.
Immigrant Resettlement Action: Advocacy group that campaigns for the rights of immigrants in Ireland, unless they have been here for more than 400 years.
Independent Revenue Agency: Privatised tax collection service for banks and developers, to be floated provisionally on the Bulgarian stock exchange. Flexible quotes always available.
Impartial Research Academy: Respected panel of judges, broadcasters and human rights lawyers working to expose corruption at the highest levels of Irish society by writing newspaper columns between trips to Venezuela.
Irischer Republikaner Anschluss: Pro-European democratic socialist party committed to uniting the territory of the Irish-speaking peoples under a charismatic vegetarian father figure.
Irish Retail Assistance: Umbrella body representing the concerns of small family businesses, especially those selling alcohol, cigarettes, DVDs and cocaine.
Insurance Reassurance Assurance: Promoting innovative freelance brokerage services to building contractors and other at-risk enterprises island-wide.
Irish Republican Aid: Like NORAID, only less partitionist. (Note: must never be abbreviated to IRAID.)
Internet Ranting Alliance: Underground network of middle-class UCD students with no girlfriends sworn to post "What about 800 years of British oppression?" on every noticeboard in cyberspace.
Interest Recovery Arrangement: Hedge fund set up to offset the interest forgone by hiding £26.5 million under a hedge.
Irish Responsible Architects: Pooling resources to build a united Ireland with foundations that will never crack, members who will never leak and subsidies that will never subside.
Industrial Remuneration Association: Co-operative credit union helping workers on the average industrial wage of €500 a week to afford luxury five-bedroom beachfront holiday homes in Donegal.
International Restorative Asbos: Community-focused youth justice organisation tackling anti-social behaviour in deprived areas by ordering children to leave the country.
Irish Red Army: Manchester United fans for a 32-county socialist republic.
Intellectual Revisionism Alert: Media monitoring cell comprising four unemployed single men from Dundalk who each write a dozen letters to the paper under a dozen different names in response to every article by Eoghan Harris.
Interpreter Recruitment Agency: Language activist organisation offering simultaneous translations of Irish into English, English into Irish and Gerry Adams into either.
Irish Representatives Abroad: Providing practical and financial support to Sinn Féin representatives in London, Brussels, Washington and Caracas.
Interface Rioting Association: "Putting the 'provo' into provocation".
International Rescue Armada: One of several maritime services available from Martin Ferris TD, aimed at anyone too republican to be rescued by the Royal National Lifeboat Institution. (Note: Martin will not do the actual aiming.)
Irish Republican Accountants: Disciplined body of financial experts representing the invoice of the oppressed.
Irish Remembrance Association: Fraternal society dedicated to remembering the deaths of patriots.
Irish Recovering Amnesiacs: Fratricidal society dedicated to forgetting the murder of compatriots
c)Irish times
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Muslims could learn from Orange Order
Newton's Optic Newton Emerson Orange Order spokesman Will March has condemned the international Islamic community for its reaction to Pope Benedict's recent remarks.
"What a bunch of amateurs," Mr March told reporters yesterday. "Call that a burning effigy? My kids could do better."
Mr March believes that Muslims must look to modernisers within their own faith if they want their victimhood to be taken seriously.
"Getting all worked up over a 14th century theological argument is completely ridiculous in this day and age," he said. "You should get worked up over a 17th century theological argument, like a normal person."
Mr March was also critical of media statements by prominent Muslim leaders. "There's no point moaning about how 'hurt and offended' they are either," he warned. "That just makes them sound like a bunch of Fenians."
Initial hopes that Pope Benedict's apology would resolve the crisis were dashed on Sunday when the Vatican called for "frank dialogue". This was widely taken as a reference to the crusades. The 11th century invasion of the Holy Land remains a sensitive issue for many Muslims, who feel that it unfairly overshadows their own 7th century invasion of the Holy Land. Iranian clerics have now called for a Day of Anger, followed by two Days of Inadequacy and a Fortnight of Self-Pity.
With nearly 300 years of anti-papal protesting under its sash, the Orange Order feels qualified to offer some advice on the subject, although Mr March admits that not all of this knowledge is transferable.
"I appreciate that the term 'anti-Christ' might actually be seen as a compliment by the followers of Muhammad," he said. "Restrictions on music, alcohol and half-naked women also go against the Orange tradition. However, Islam can call on plenty of young Turks and that's what really counts."
Mr March advised angry Muslims to confront the western liberal establishment by using its own language against it.
"This is a lesson we've only learnt ourselves in recent years," he explained. "Always demand your own rights when attacking the rights of others. Deliberately confuse respect for belief with respect for freedom of belief. Finally, if anyone calls your bluff, scream 'Free speech not hate speech', then set fire to a flag. I'm telling you, boy, it works every time."
The Orange Order also feels that last week's series of street protests should become an annual event.
"We'd like to see the Pope burnt in effigy every year across the Muslim world," Mr March said. "No doubt Islamophobes will portray this as some sort of anti-Catholic thing, but we hope that in time it will be seen as more of a community cultural festival, celebrating the rich and diverse heritage of everyone who hates that funny-hat wearing heathen idolater."
Ideas for the new event, provisionally dubbed "Camelfest", include halal burger vans, bouncy mosques and stalls selling T-shirts marked "I'm Taking the Hump". The British government has promised £30 million of funding under a special scheme to justify all its other schemes.
Muslim reaction to the Orange Order's offer of help has been mixed.
"Many imams are very angry with the Pope," one Islamic scholar declared by e-Fatwah yesterday. "Others were angry but have accepted his apology. Still others were never angry but now they feel patronised, and some just find the whole thing totally absurd.
"It's all terribly confusing. If only God would send us some sort of representative on Earth. . ."
© 2006 The Irish Times
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"Volunteers will arrive at your home shortly..."
Newton's Optic: Newton Emerson has a first encounter with the new Community Restorative Journalism scheme
'Dear Mr Emerson, Due to complaints we have received concerning several recent articles, you are hereby summoned to attend a hearing by your local Community Restorative Journalism group.
"As you are aware, the media community does not recognise the authority of the Press Complaints Commission. If you were not aware of this, you are aware of it now.
"Any attempt to contact the Press Complaints Commission regarding this letter will be viewed as anti-community and may only serve to compound the gravity of your offence.
"Participation in Community Restorative Journalism is entirely voluntary. Volunteers will visit your home shortly to ensure that you participate. Our process follows strict human rights guidelines laid down strictly by ourselves. You may choose to be accompanied by an editor, a publisher or any other person qualified to confirm your guilt.
"Please do not ask for a solicitor as a refusal often offends. Community Restorative Journalism brings victim and offender together shortly after we decide who is which. Having decided that you are the offender, we are pleased to offer you this valuable opportunity to make amends to your victim. Offer expires midnight. Conditions apply.
"Your punishment will include apologising for material you have already written, promising never to write anything similar again, submitting anything you do write to us for prior approval and standing in the town centre for several hours holding up a large sign that reads: 'Anti-community element'.
"You may also be asked to produce a longer self-criticism for future use. Copyright remains the property of Community Restorative Journalism Ltd or its parent company. All rights reserved. If you do not co-operate with your sentence, further Community Restorative Journalism may be necessary. This will involve rearranging your typeface, shooting off your Caps Lock and bringing forward your deadline. We trust that this conveys the seriousness of the situation.
"Should you wish to appeal this summons, please note that the following restrictions apply. You are not exempt from Community Restorative Journalism because you are middle-class. All journalists are middle-class. You are not exempt from Community Restorative Journalism because you are merely a columnist. The media community comprises everyone who falls within our definition of the media community, which now includes you by definition. Most importantly of all, you are not exempt from Community Restorative Journalism because you do not recognise our authority.
"Only we have the authority to recognise your authority not to recognise our authority. The decision of the judges is final and no further correspondence will be entered into. Your name may be published for advertising purposes. No legal contract is implied.
Finally, as you may also be aware, the British government has refused to fund Community Restorative Journalism due to our refusal to recognise the Press Complaints Commission.
"Consequently, you will be required to contribute toward the costs of the hearing. These costs include proof-reading your self- criticism, hiring an 'anti-community element' sign and paying the volunteers who will arrive at your home shortly and return to your home many times thereafter should that prove to be necessary.
"Please make an appropriate donation at the front desk or purchase 500 copies of An Phoblacht from your nearest advice centre. Your statutory rights are most definitely affected.
"Yours in struggle,
His Honour Detective Inspector Justice Gerry Adams QC
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Originally Posted by Ireland2007