The scene: A BBC bulletin in a living room near you.
“Now, a fresh crisis has hit the new Northern Ireland police board. We go over to our reporter on the ground. Mark, tell us what’s happening.
“Well, Huw, talks are continuing late into the night over who goes out to the robbery at the corner of the Donegal Road. The parties have been deadlocked for three days now, part of a wider dispute over the way the Police Service of Northern Ireland is run.”
“How did this row start, Mark?”
“Huw, it began as so often is the case here in Northern Ireland as a small local dispute over the route taken by Protestant officers to the canteen on the fourth floor of a station in South Tyrone. A number of the Catholic officers protested that the Protestant coppers were walking through areas of high nationalist concentration and parading cups of tea and bacon sandwiches in a deliberately provocative manner on their return. The Protestant officers accept that this is now a Catholic zone but point out that in 1894 it was overwhelmingly loyalist and that there can be no no-go areas en route to the canteen.
“From there things soon spiralled out of control with neither side refusing to budge on who would take the early shift next Monday.”
“Where are we on this robbery?”
“Here are the facts as we know them. The raid on the jewellers took place three nights ago. Officers were ordered to the scene but neither side could agree on who would go.
“It sounds pretty hopeless.”
“I wouldn’t say that, Huw. There has been real progress on this investigation. The two officers have been chosen and a dispute over who would drive has been brokered by the personal intervention of the Northern Ireland secretary, Shaun Woodward, who – in what will become known as the Hillsborough Accord – suggested that one drive there and one back.”
“What’s the stumbling block now?”
“Well, we still have no agreement over who takes the wheel first. The nationalist community feels that who is driving when the officers arrive counts for more than who drives back. The Unionists point out that as the party with the highest number of votes they are constitutionally entitled to first crack at driving. And here we have been stuck for the last 36 hours.”
“And where is the robber now?”
“Well, he’s long gone but in a sense I think that’s a side issue for most people here. Until we can get a police service that fully respects the aspirations of all its officers, there is little point in them trying to go out after criminals.”